Are you confused by all the information out there in cyberspace regarding the use of praise with children?
Is there a best way to praise a child and should a parent of a child with Autism distribute praise differently? If you look at the literature on using praise with children over the past 20 years or so, experts have been on both ends of the spectrum.
Many experts have claimed that praise is necessary to enhance a child's positive sense of self and others have stated that we have overinflated their self-esteem.
So how is a parent to know what to do? Is praising our children a good thing to do or not?
As parents we all want to do what is 'best' for our offspring. When the self-esteem of our children is at stake, the 'best' has less to do with whether or not we use praise but more to do with HOW we use praise. Praise can be a very effective parenting tool to use with ANY child, and the best way to apply praise is the same for ALL children - typically developing or not.
What is the most common praise you hear parents (and teachers and coaches) give kids at home, on the playground, in class, and on the sports fields? Usually it sounds like, "Good job!" and other variations such as "Way to go," and "That's great". These have become knee-jerk reactions, what is called DEFAULT PRAISE - remarks that parents dole out almost unconsciously whenever their kids do something worthy of acknowledgment. Using praise in this manner is not much different than the automated response of "I'm sorry" we teach our children to say which often results in an almost robotic and insincere apology.
So what is the secret to dispensing praise appropriately? How does a parent avoid artificially inflating their child's self-esteem but boost it to an appropriate and healthy level instead?
If you want to produce a child that is curiously confident enough to be successful and internally motivated to do his/her best, here are some strategies for using praise to unleash your child's possibilities.
• Praise needs to be specific: Avoid global statements such as, "You're a smart boy." Or "You're a good girl." Let's think for a minute, what exactly does such a statement convey to a child? What picture does it paint in your mind? Are you getting a clear vision or is it kind of vague? Do you know what you did to deserve it? Do you need more details? Strive for statements such as "I like how you keep trying to solve that problem." or "You did a nice job picking up your toys." or "That was a good choice you made to tell the truth." Keeping your praise specific, rather than general, allows a child to discover exactly what he/she did to earn the praise and how to get more in the future. Many children on the Autism spectrum are very literal therefore detailed descriptors work best.
• Praise needs to be thoughtful, meaningful and sincere: When praise is doled out automatically its value is often diminished. Children are very perceptive and they can tell when praise is insincere, conditional or full of hidden agendas. If insignificant or unauthentic, many children will begin to tune the praise out similar to constant nagging. Eventually, as children consistently hear praise they feel is unworthy, they begin to dismiss all praise, including praise that is well deserved.
• Praise effort and persistence, not just IQ: Praising effort helps build persistence. Once a child acquires the ability to respond to failure by exerting more effort they become more adept at rebounding from failure. Sustaining one's motivation through long periods of delayed gratification is key to becoming persistent. Recent brain research has shown that persistence can become an unconscious habit by training certain circuits in the brain. These circuits monitor the reward center of the brain that will respond appropriately by reinforcing the ability to delay gratification when it is not immediately present. Just like other habits the process needs to be repeated in order for it to take hold - practice is important!
• Develop strategies for handling failure and mistakes: It is important to discuss mistakes out in the open in order to normalize them. Mistakes need to be acknowledged so we can learn from them. If you failed once, what did you learn from it that can be employed for next time? Being a good role model by discussing some of your own mistakes also lets children know that failure and mistakes are part of life and therefore vitally important to learn how to cope with. With any mistake there is a positive piece to be acknowledged - find it and use it to make your praise productive.
• Curtail the use of external rewards: When one always gets rewarded or bribed to get things done, the motivation to complete the task disappears when a reward is not in the picture. This produces an externally motivated child whose only concern becomes, "What's in it for me?" If you want a child to become internally motivated, the brain needs to be conditioned to the fact that difficult and frustrating tasks can be worked through and the accomplishment alone is rewarding in and of itself. Trust that praise alone without a reward attached is enough and find ways to slowly cut back on your child's expectation of tangible rewards.
Remember, children with Autism respond to positive reinforcement in the same way their neuro-typical counterparts do. So DON'T stop praising your child but DO pay attention to the manner in which you deliver it. Once you learn to distribute praise more effectively you can ignore all warnings that too much praise will ruin your child. Instead you can take great satisfaction in knowing that you are unleashing wonderful possibilities within your child.
Connie Hammer, MSW, parent educator, consultant and coach, guides parents of young children recently diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder to uncover abilities and change possibilities. Visit her website http://www.parentcoachingforautism.com/ to get your FREE resources - a parenting e-course, Parenting a Child with Autism - 3 Secrets to Thrive and a weekly parenting tip newsletter, The Spectrum.