Welcome to Holland -A mum's account of accepting a diagnosis of Autism
My son had only been attending part time nursery school for about a month when the nursery nurse asked our permission to have a member of the Early Years Support team observe him. Being my eldest child I had no reason to believe his behaviour was abnormal for a 3 yr old. After another 10 months of professional observations, meetings and analysis it was finally confirmed that he was autistic. It took at least another 6 months for me to be able to say to people "my son's autistic" rather than "my son has a diagnosis of autism". Obviously I love my son and want him to receive all the support he needs to thrive. Obviously I'm not ashamed of him. So why did I have problems verbalising his condition?
I think it was due to a combination of cultural and personal reasons.
Culturally I was aware that 'autism' is seem as a tag used to explain away naughty behaviour, to excuse bad parenting, an over-diagnosed middle class syndrome demanded by middle-class-umbrella parents determined that their child should get extra help in state schooling. Or alternatively something that's easy to pretend by some schools to receive funding. Some people believe it doesn't exist, some that it's not as prevalent as diagnosis' suggest. I know because I held some of these perceived facts before I was a parent.
On a personal level there was the hurdle that my son didn't fit my idea of autism. Like many others, I heard 'autism' and thought 'Rainman'. My son's not like that - he's verbal, outgoing, has eye contact, fun, active, funny, intelligent, loving etc.
Even after the professionals were involved I didn't use the word autism until the Educational Psychologist had - maybe it was because I didn't want to influence their decision (or come across as middle-class-umbrella-I-know-best-mum!), maybe it was because if I didn't say it, it wasn't real.
As I started to come round to the idea internally I still struggled to have the confidence to be loud and proud about it; concerned that I'd have to justify, explain, defend it was easier to keep quiet.
So what happened to change me? Well, time, knowledge and ultimately relaxing. Let me explain.
Knowledge was the first step. Initially I took out every book on autism in my city's libraries, flicked through them, cried, got scared, took them back. Then, slowly, I started looking up forums/website with parents in the same situations and from reading their articles and posts realised that I wasn't alone. Then I read the only book to date I've fully read on autism - "Stand Up for Autism" by G Derbyshire. I laughed with her, and empathised, smiled and understood. Here was a normal mum recounting life with autism with a sense of humour and perspective. Nodding along with her anecdotes helped me realise our children's similarities and accept his condition. It was this shared knowledge, not the professional research and facts but the tears of joy and stress of millions of other mums that, over time, helped me learn to relax, accept and positively embrace my son's differences.
Now, when I tell people that he's autistic and they say something along the lines of "Oh dear, I am sorry" I'm happy to say "No, don't be. It's not bad, just different. He's a wonderful little boy who just sees the world in a slightly different way."
So, if you're in my position, or just starting to suspect your child has an Autistic Spectrum Condition - embrace it. Ok, so you never planned on having an ASC child (no-one does) but so what - who's to say what is 'normal' or 'right'. I have one ASC and one non-ASC child and I love and adore them both equally. They are both wonderful in their own ways. Yes, ASC makes life more difficult and stressful for me sometimes, but the joy is worth it and I wouldn't swap him for the world!
The title refers to my favourite metaphor about autism:
It's like you've planned to move to France - you've bought the guide books, planned the things you want to see, learnt the lingo. You board your plane thinking you're off to Paris only for the announcement to come on landing "You have arrived at Amsterdam, Welcome to Holland". It's not France, it's not what you planned, but it's not far off and Holland's not bad, just different.
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